FAQ

The IMCS are attempting to compile a much-needed Frequently Asked Questions which should be broad enough in scope to cover all but the most convoluted variants of Mornington Crescent.

In breaking with tradition, the IMCS has agreed that this process should be as democratic as possible.

Stage one involves answering the following multiple-choice questionnaire.

The implementation of stage two is still the subject of heated debate among IMCS committee members, partly due to its recursive nature.

  1. Answers should be:
    1. Posted to uk.games.mornington-crescent as a new game.
    2. E-mailed to Nyk Tarr (Ruleset Amendment Co-ordinator) under a pseudonym (but leave the headers intact because you've no idea how to change them).
    3. E-mailed (in triplicate) to everyone in your address book (and then claim you've got a virus).
    4. Cross-posted to the newsgroup alt.sex.fetish.underwater.basketweaving (the group I tend to lurk in) plus another group of your choice.
    5. Burnt.
  2. Why do we need an FAQ?
    1. We don't.
    2. The previous incarnation was last seen in a Surbiton bedsit in 1864.
    3. Because many of the other newsgroups have one and we're jealous.
    4. WTF does "FAQ" stand for?
    5. What does "WTF" stand for?
  3. You're east of Leytonstone, but you're unfamiliar with the Grange Hill Loop, what should you do?
    1. If you're playing the Watling Street variation, huffing may be your only option.
    2. If Bod is playing Malefon's Fractal Sloping variant, you have problems - try Fulham Broadway.
    3. Check the updated ruleset first, but Turner's Declension could be viable - as employed by Simon Caldwell with devastating effect in October 1863.
    4. Unless Benedict Rundell is playing Toqvist's Protocol, you could try the aggressive Pudding Mill Lane, but be weary of MF using Tobamory's Strategem.
    5. Go for broke - a Triple Helsinki and Waterloo.
  4. The back-pass trump manoeuvre (frequently invoked by MikeF) has caught you by surprise even in the relative safety of Aldgate East. How can you wriggled out of this?
    1. Your Beck's Coefficient calculation is probably out - ask Barry Salter for a more accurate measurement.
    2. Chalfont and Latimer has never looked more tempting.
    3. Declare Charm and go for a Coventry Block, you never know, Keith Grindley got away with it once.
    4. Unless you're tempted by Bow Road, invoke a Davies' Block and head straight for Marble Arch.
    5. The only option is to farkle, it has to be Theydon Bois.
  5. Two Mornington Crescent regulars have, out of character, started a horrific flaming match in the group - how should you handle this?
    1. Join in and try desperately to push them off-topic.
    2. Accuse them of doing it to cover up the fact that they're good friends in real life.
    3. Interrupt their argument by declaring your undying love for <insert name>.
    4. Constantly (and confusingly) agree with both of them.
    5. Simply quote all of their posts and add *evil grin* at the bottom.
  6. You've noticed that uk.games.mornington-crescent and alt.games.mornington.cresent, coexist peacefully. What should you do?
    1. Live a two-faced existence, and play one group off the other - claiming to one group that you wouldn't be seen dead in the other.
    2. Instigate a bitter rivalry by suggesting that one group provides superior games than the other.
    3. Encourage u.g.m-c a.g.m.c fusion leading to an all-encompassing nuclear family...then leave both groups, your work having been done.
    4. Point out that 56 celerity CDs were lost in a crosspost in 1982.
    5. Start your own rival splinter group.
  7. You can't spell for toffee and your grammar is all over the place - does this matter?
    1. Interchange 'they're' and 'their' at all times - it doesn't really matter.
    2. Pick up on other people's grammatical errors - but insist that grammar is spelt 'grammer'.
    3. Use American spelling only, as this is the language of the Net. Encourage others to do the same.
    4. Deliberately spell every other word incorrectly with (sp?) following each spelling atrocity.
    5. Use a thesaurus to find some really big words - but use them out of context.
  8. You're following the Knaresborough rules in a.g.m.c when, somewhat cynically, Aidan Stanger crossposted to u.g.m-c, who were not, at the time invoking Beck's Rule. Naturally, you find yourself with a severe case of knip, and unable to recover. What should you do?
    1. Make an official complaint to the IMCS Rule Enforcement Board.
    2. Invoke Pre-1908 Tottenham Court Road Rules (you can play dirty too).
    3. Pull out all the stops and meet the challenge with a Septimus Divergence.
    4. Tell your mother.
    5. Concede.
  9. You're cockily playing Thornton's Third Amendment in a.g.m.c when, as a result of a crosspost, midway through cross-hatching you are trumped by both Jackie and Vicky despite being out of kilter! Most appropriate action?
    1. Head straight for Totterige and Whetstone before invoking Trumpington's Variation. Although Stephen J. Crocker tends to call foul play here, the IMCS have yet to reach a verdict.
    2. Report them both to the IMCS for collusion.
    3. Distract them by utilizing the Amersham/Aldwych Loop, which Glimmer employed to great effect against David Buttery in 1896.
    4. Resort to Blonking (after all, they deserve it).
    5. Retire to the Dollis Hill loop, and put it down to experience.
  10. Neil Crockford has initiated a secondary token ring intersecting the Circle Line by invoking the Engelbert Maneouvre. Next move?
    1. If playing the Finsbury Option '88, stick to the Jubilee extension and Docklands lines and you should be okay, but remember the repercussions when sik tried this in October 1658.
    2. If playing Groenback's Adjustment Variant, you have nothing to fear. Tottenham Court Road.
    3. Invoke a Harris Three Wild Blocking Shunt (unless, of course, you're at Green Park). If Jason Waghorn can get away with it, so can you.
    4. If you're feeling brave, now would be as good a time as any to implement the Holfstedter Gamble. This would open up West Hampstead. But look out for Poss.
    5. If no-one's looking, Knerdle. Why not?
  11. A newbie has just asked for the rules of the game. What should you do?
    1. Pretend that there aren't any, to cover up the embarrassment of the current debacle.
    2. Blame Nyk, as he seems to have become the scapegoat for this fiasco.
    3. Suggest that they concentrate on Chalk Farm '84 to get them going.
    4. Claim that Bill Hayles borrowed your last copy and failed to return it (he didn't, but you're a little rusty).
    5. Point them in the direction of John A Fotheringham (JAF) - he's good with these things - and even understands Toqvist's Protocol.
  12. Martin Sewell has, in the past, posted a large volume of posts which are neither clever nor funny - and some of his moves were in rather bad taste. What's the best tack to take?
    1. Reply with a *plonk* as it gives the impression that you have some sort of power.
    2. Try and outpost him.
    3. Start a new (secret) MC group, and send e-mails to his ISP complaining of abuse.
    4. Killfile all your /own/ posts...
    5. Retire from Mornington Crescent, and take up underwater MC at a semi-professional level.
  13. You've lost the only copy of Crabbit's Rule and don't have the dexterity to use the Ongar Denial to get out of a Dollis Hill Loop. As if from nowhere, Jimbo has appeared at Baker Street. Action?
    1. Pray that Nyk wrote down the details of the North End Rule (783f) before it was lost, and ask to borrow it.
    2. Risky, but you /could/ attempt the Czukay Manipulation.
    3. Take a deep breath, sketch a Fronsky Diagram and don't rush into anything.
    4. If you're playing token-switched Derby Rules and Jimbo has high token levels at Fairlop and Grange Hill, don't overlook the Hainault Loop.
    5. Resign.
  14. Someone has just made a very honest, serious and open move. Action?
    1. "LOL" and Dollis Hill (they asked for it).
    2. Ignore the context of their move, and then make an inappropriate move on the DLR.
    3. Publicly ask them whether they've read the rule book recently.
    4. Publicly question the authenticity of their MC qualifications.
    5. Remind them that you've managed to stay north of the river for three games in a row.
  15. Someone has just made a rather clever move. You have no counter move, but wish to play - what should you do?
    1. Quote his move in its entirety and simply append to the bottom "I don't have a reply - sorry!"
    2. Play tit-for-tat for the next seven moves.
    3. His move was clearly a joke, but you fail to notice and move accordingly.
    4. Go into extraordinary (and unnecessary) detail in explaining why they've erred.
    5. Ask him whether he knows /anything/ about Mornington Crescent.
  16. You'd do /anything/ to put [Jackie/Vicky] in knip - how would you achieve this?
    1. Move rapidly to her favourite station.
    2. Ask a rule-related question that you know she is likely to answer.
    3. Resort to an old in-joke move which she's likely to play.
    4. E-mail her privately and tell her which move to play.
    5. Stop dreaming.
  17. Someone has posted a 'test' message to a.g.m.c, which everyone has to download. What should you do?
    1. Flame them repeatedly and waste far more bandwidth than they ever did.
    2. E-mail them privately with a courteous reply. Then flame them in the group.
    3. Ask whether any of us have passed the test.
    4. Don't read it - it's just a test.
    5. E-mail them this FAQ. Every hour.
  18. A girl has played a good move. What should you do?
    1. Join in the game immediately. Compliment (and complement) her play (without contributing anything new to the game) and proceed to flirt outrageously in public. She might even fancy you.
    2. Ignore it. It might go away.
    3. Reply with the most patronising move possible.
    4. Wait for someone else to move, and then accuse them of fancying her.
    5. I am a girl/lady, this question is sexist.
  19. Martin Richardson has made a move that is blatantly incorrect. What should you do?
    1. Instantly agree with a 'me too' type move, as it's best to keep on the right side of him.
    2. Instantly agree with him, and throw out your MC Rulebook, which must have been wrong.
    3. Simply post "LOL" - it was obviously a subtle joke which went over your head.
    4. Inform him that someone else has been using his name.
    5. Stop dreaming!
  20. You are having a horrific flaming match with someone in the group. What should you do?
    1. E-mail them privately with a polite apology, and yet continue to hurl abuse at them in public.
    2. Pretend that you were, in fact, joking and accuse them of having no sense of humour.
    3. Remind him/her that you have a faster computer than them.
    4. Criticise their sig.
    5. E-mail everyone else privately, to get them on your side.
  21. You are secretly pleased that Microsoft now have a virtual monopoly, because with Windows and MS Office becoming an industry standard - life is so much easier, for example you just know that you can send someone an MS Word document - and that they'll be able to read it. How should you air your views?
    1. Post a polite message to a Unix support group, pointing out the error of their cynical ways.
    2. E-mail your Linux guru friend personally - so that he can see the light. You are, after all, doing him a favour.
    3. Start up a Windows vs. UNIX debate; after all, no one's ever done that before.
    4. Keep your views to yourself, change your identity, and quietly leave the country.
    5. Commit hara-kiri.
  22. I've got a girlfriend/wife. What tack should I take?
    1. Refer to them constantly in your play, to show others that you're not that sad and have actually found a partner.
    2. Never, ever mention them during play, just in case there's a single girl in the game, who you might be able to pull.
    3. During game play, constantly refer to them in a demeaning and sexist manner - as it makes you look manly.
    4. Constantly remind your partner that if you had to choose between playing Mornington Crescent and her - you would always choose MC/her [delete as applicable].
    5. I'm female and this question is sexist.
  23. Is it better to be a 'game starter' or a 'thread contributor'?
    1. Never, ever start a game. Remember, someone might see you.
    2. Never, ever contribute to a thread, because that would involve reading other people's posts, and you never have time to follow the game properly.
    3. Only ever contribute to a game which you personally started - length gives credibility in certain circles.
    4. Never post, just lurk. After all, you might make a mistake in public.
    5. What's a "thread"? Outhouse Express 5 calls them "conversations".
  24. I posted a(n) hilarious move, but no-one has replied. What should I do?
    1. Reply using another name and simply post: "LOL".
    2. Assume that everyone is still laughing uncontrollably, so is unable to respond.
    3. Reply yourself, and explain the joke in your most patronising tone possible.
    4. Follow up with seven test messages, as it might not have worked.
    5. Continue to post the same joke until you get a response.
  25. A day passed without a single posting from ktabic. What should I do?
    1. Inform his parents immediately.
    2. Inform the police immediately.
    3. Phone your helpdesk, and complain that some messages aren't getting through.
    4. Try to out-post everyone else in the group - now's your chance to become top of the stats!
    5. Post using his name in error.
  26. If someone posted a move which included some colourful language. What would you do?
    1. Flame them for doing so, and remind them that minors play MC, whilst using the foulest language known to man.
    2. As above, but accidentally type 'miners' rather than 'minors'.
    3. Make a note of some useful new swear words.
    4. Find your Viz Profanisaurus and beat them at their own game.
    5. Repeat their message replacing /all/ the vowels with "*"s.
  27. Someone has clearly beaten you in a game - what should you do?
    1. Scour every single move they've posted, and post a list of all the spelling and grammar mistakes they've ever made. (If it was Martin Richardson, just make them up.)
    2. Set up a Web site with a 'hate page' dedicated to slandering them. Make up all the allegations.
    3. Make it clear that it was simply a wind-up to get them going - and it worked.
    4. Accuse them of being childish, as the game was so trivial. Remind them of starving children in Africa who can barely afford to play MC.
    5. Leave MC on the next available tube.
  28. Someone has just posted, and you don't recognise the name. How should you treat them?
    1. Newbies should be treated with the contempt that they deserve, and should always be flamed.
    2. Welcome them to the game with open arms. Be embarrassingly over-nice and friendly.
    3. Reply in a patronising manner, with endless reminders of the game's rules, despite the fact that they've not broken any, and you've never read them yourself.
    4. Never reply - it only encourages them!
    5. Don't worry about it, they'll feel uncomfortable with our 'in jokes', will never fit in, and won't last long anyway.
  29. Someone posted something clever/interesting/funny and you wish you'd got there first. What should you do?
    1. Endlessly scour the Web with various search engines in an effort to find something similar. Then accuse them of having no imagination, and post the URL of the site which they 'copied' from.
    2. Post exactly the same message, and then point out that their clock must be wrong.
    3. Point out that everyone else has already seen it before, and that they were simply wasting bandwidth.
    4. Ignore the content, but check their header in the hope that they use Outlook Express, and ridicule them for doing so.
    5. Publicly claim that they copied it from a personal e-mail which you sent them.
  30. Bill Hayles has finally changed the tag line in his sig to one that is vaguely funny. What should you do?
    1. Go into denial.
    2. Leave the country.
    3. Claim he copied it from yourself.
    4. Copy it and use it yourself.
    5. Find and use a similar tag line - then start up an argument over whose is better.
  31. We appear to be in the mist of an ongoing battle with news:uk.railways - how is this best handled?
    1. Attack! No-one knows the tracks like we do. Fight 'till the death!
    2. Beat them at their own game, perform an aggressive shunt towards Dollis Hill.
    3. Question whether they have girlfriends.
    4. Call them trainspotters, and then lurk in their group yourself.
    5. Complain to their ISPs (even though we started it).
  32. It's a Saturday, and you've got no friends to go out with in the evening. What should you do?
    1. Post during the afternoon and list the pubs and clubs which you will be (allegedly) frequenting.
    2. Stay up really late and then pretend to be drunk while posting a message.
    3. Post something on Sunday lunchtime to the effect that you've just got up and have a screaming hangover.
    4. Drink a bottle of whiskey or vodka. One day you might just get to like it.
    5. Go to your local on your own, and start up a naive conversation about football with the regulars.
  33. I'm bored, I want to play, yet I can't think of any clever moves. What should I do?
    1. Reply to every single move with the (predictable) Dollis Hill.
    2. (Illegally) play the station Mornington Crescent and claim that you've won.
    3. Triple cross troll to news:uk.railway
    4. Flame yourself, then report the incident.
    5. Help contribute to the (new, democratic) FAQ by answering these questions.
  34. Someone from the IMCS has written what I consider to be a foolish FAQ questionnaire. What should I do?
    1. Start reading, decide that it's too long and not that funny, so give up near the beginning (ignoring the seriousness of the matter).
    2. You didn't /really/ read this far did you? The IMCS needs you.
    3. Don't read it, but flame the IMCS anyway.
    4. Complain to the IMCS committee for their blatant (but necessary) pedantry.
    5. Publicly wonder why the IMCS secretary has so much spare time on their hands...